Dear you,
I'm pretty sure you'll read this, so I won't make this a cryptic anagram or whatever shitty games people like to play. This is a post for me to validate the swell of feelings in my chest, therefore, pardon my frankness.
Meeting you after so long, and knowing how we kinda drifted apart and how I hurt you in the year before, I didn't really know how to act around you. Sitting in the car before you came down, I had to brace myself, and I rehearsed the lines I was going to say to you. Am I going to start with a casual "Hello" or act like the past year hasn't been nothing but pain for you, and go back to the closeness we had before, with a tight hug and a deep whiff of your softener? Being in my own world, I kinda forgot there were other people in the car. Jesus, I was nervous. Maybe it was because I really had to go to the toilet, but I was white-knuckling the steering wheel. That's when I decided, fuck it, I'm just going to relieve myself, at least when I come back you'll already be in the car. Just as I was getting out, you arrived and you were headed to the wrong car. Seeing the streak of colors in your hair, lit up by the headlights of the car, and that lil nose which pointed in my direction when I called you, it lit me up.
Driving off, I was quite apprehensive in my own skills because shit, I didn't care if the rest of the people in the car died or got hurt, but I sure as hell didn't want that to happen to you, what's more you were in the front seat. It may not have shown, but I was trying to be hella careful. When the rest left and it was just us two, it was a lot more comfortable. We talked and bantered as if...yeah like as if the past year did not consist of agony for you. It was wonderful but the thought of how I left kept nagging in the back of my head. Sure, we talked about it, yet it doesn't feel settled yknow what I mean. As if the book is still left wide open. For the past 3 days, I looked forward to picking you up and just driving around with you. We may not speak all the time in the car, but it felt right. To me, there wasn't any awkwardness or need to force a conversation with you. The undertones of our laughter, and the waft of your scent, created a swirling vortex in me. Something which I never prepared for, nor do I know how to handle. I want to spend more time with you like we did before, just watching movies, going for walks, or getting bit on the back by our cats, heck I want to spend all my time with you as of now, but fuck NS. And fuck the carelessness I have with my time and the lack of proper delegation. I would be 10000000% more productive if I wasn't so goddamned lazy.
Many a times, I had to resist the urge to hold your hand or be close to you. As much as leaving you caused you distress, it did the same for me. I never told you this because I don't know how, but a few days after we stopped talking, I met with Ruey and gang (Riz, Jo, Rith). I was already half drunk by then because I was at home, slamming beers. Being torn with myself and my ex, I still could see the damage I did to myself and you. I took a cab down, and I was just a fucking mess. I reached to where they were, lit a cigarette and started crying. With one look, Ruey guessed what I was crying about. I explained that I felt bad, and that it felt wrong for me to do this to you. I don't really remember the rest of the night, but we went to do something productive instead of drink cause they didn't want to see me sad. 😵
I mean now that I'm writing it out, it seems awfully silly doesn't it. How can I, someone who was weak and as a result, caused another person such misery, deserve to say any of this? I'm trying to put this across in the most platonic way as I can without taking out the rawness of the feelings, so yeah. Don't get me wrong, I was serious when I said I didn't wanna date for a long time. Has it seriously been a year though? Fucking fuck what the fuck.
